President Fires all U.S. Attorneys

President fires all of the U.S. Attorney's today in an unprecedented move. Not since the 93 Bill Clinton firings or the Alberto Gonzalez scandal of 2007 have this many U.S. Attorneys been let go. President Obama stated that he was unhappy with the way that certain attorneys had handled their cases. When asked if it was fair that all of them were let go for the mistakes of a few, President Obama replied, "I think that if I can let them go at my discretion, then it should be my decision without any recourse. When he was asked about the resignation of Alberto Gonzalez in 2007 for only eight attorneys being let go, he replied "A.G. did not have the backbone to stand up to the pressure. He didn't do anything wrong, he was just spineless."

Ten Border Agents Face Mexican Charges

Today ten border agents were charged with criminal charges in a Mexican court. The ten agents are being charged with illegally crossing the Mexican Border during the July 2009 incident in which the ten border agents helped three Mexican little girls by pulling them out of the river near the Texas border. The three girls were taunting the border agents by tossing rocks over the river during the early morning hours with some nearby childhood friends. Two boys age 10 and 12 were seen with the three girls, and were later interviewed by Mexican police. During the interview the two boys claim that one of the girls tried to enter into the river to get closer to the border agents. When the swift river knocked her off her feet, the other two girls attempted to pull her out. However, the river was to strong for the three girls pulling them over and down the river. The two boys, by their own admission, ran away from the river to get help. While the boys went for help, the border agents worked together by gathering rope and supplies. They tossed all of the materials into the back of two pickup trucks, and chased the girls down the river. After pulling ahead of the girls in the river, they climbed out and started tossing ropes into the river. Two of the girls were able to pull up on the ropes and the border agents pulled them out. The third girl missed the ropes, officer John Bateman, swiftly wrapped a rope around his waist, and jumped into the river. The other agents formed a human chain with the rope and waded into the river holding onto their fellow agent. He was able to swim to the girl and catch her before she reached the class V rapids. Once the town people arrived, they noticed all of the agents in the river pulling the children out of the river. Mexican officials brought charges against the river claiming they crossed the Mexican border without prior approval or proper documentation, because they had raced into the river. The civil rights group, the ACLU, are representing the three girls who received some burns by the ropes used. ACLU representative, Miguel Lopez, states: "These girls did not ask to be saved, they were getting help from the town people, they were in route, and could have prevented the burns received by the agents careless actions."
President Obama has been asked by officials to pardon the ten agents, but he has not made a decision on case. He announced today: "I ran in 2008 on the platform that I would get involved with the border issues. These men made a choice, and they need to learn from their choices. I will take a look into the case, but cannot promise anything."

Bush War Trial Begins Next Week

The George W. Bush war crime trial starts next week in front of the senate. Major Democratic party members were able to muster enough votes after the 2008 elections to get a Senate Committee to bring war crime charges against George W. Bush. Even though the civil war continues in Iraq, with thousands dying daily, just as the republican party and the administration predicted if we pulled out of Iraq without building up the democracy; the committee will investigate whether Bush and his administration lied to the American people. Representative Murtha is delighted that "the American people will finally get the answers for the war they deserve".
When questioned about the Senators that had voted for the war, why they were not being put on trial also, Murtha responded "when you tell your child to do something, you expect them to do it, because they trust you. They trusted Bush, we cannot hold them accountable."
Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney called the event "the most absurd trial in the history of our country."
Vice President Clinton still stands behind her vote and has not recanted the vote nationally. We asked her about her decision and the trial set to begin.
"Madam Vice President, do you think that Bush should be held liable solely for the Iraq war even after you voted for the 'Right to use Force' act?"
VP Clinton responded: "I do not disagree that I voted for the war, but just like many Americans purchasing things with new credit cards, I did not read the fine print. George Bush knew what he was doing, and the fine print would have told us that if we had read it."
The hieroglyphics of her statement still elude us.

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

In a call to action G.O.R.E. has started a march on Washington this weekend. G.O.R.E. advocates hope to draw more than 300,000 people to the cause on Saturday to demonstrate the need for more legislation to reform the dependency on fossil fuels. Al Gore, G.O.R.E.'s main financial backer and founder, estimates that 300,000 people will "fall onto Washington like the smog in L.A.".
Al Gore:
"We need this victory to get the ball rolling on legislation that will require the American public to convert all homes to 'Green' by the end of 2012. It will take a sacrifice of every family in America both emotionally and financially to purchase new 'Green' heating and cooling units for their homes. A one-time expense of 3,000 dollars per family, can impact the Global Warming effort by cutting emissions by 2% over the next fifty years. It is a small price to pay for a cleaner world."
When asked by the press how all families would afford the new mandates, G.O.R.E. advocate and board member Melissa Ethridge noted:
"We all need to realize that spending this money is not a choice, it is a must to prevent our planet to continue the decaying path it is on. If you cannot afford these mandates, the American public, through the plan can sign over the deeds to their homes to G.O.R.E. and we will subsidize through the government the funds to convert the property. We are not going to put anyone out."
So far Senate Democrats have enough votes to push through the legislation with President Obama not vowing to veto the plan. Senate Republicans and conservatives are outraged with the callous manner in which the plan calls for property to be seized if not converted. Joe Lieberman states:
" How our country has come to the point to allow a private foundation the right to seize property of individuals if they cannot afford a conversion of monstrous proportions. It is a shame the state we are in."
If the legislation passes, the public will be able to start ordering the conversion filters and equipment through the G.O.R.E. website on March 2011.

Kim Jong-il taunts Asia Pacific Rim

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il is taunting the countries of the Asian-Pacific Rim with his ballistic missile tests. Two missile's were fired at the countries of Japan, and South Korea on Wednesday and then self destructed four miles above their targets in the air. During the time the missiles were in flight, Kim Jong-il released a state television announcement, mocking the United States government for the mild sanctions we have placed on them for the past four years.
Former Ambassador John Bolton was asked about his feelings about the sanctions as he has warned against this type of retribution:
John Bolton declared:
"What a shame that we have to keep going to the table with this regime, and then expecting he will give up the weapons race". "We are a mockery to him and will be for the future unless we take action."

President Obama refused to comment on Bolton's remarks at this morning's press conference, but did state: "Diplomacy is the only route we have with these people"

Divorce in the White House

Well it seems that Bill and Hilary are not the same happy couple as before. Rumor has it, that Hilary is "fed up" with Bill's promiscuous ways. This will be a first in history that a Vice President or President while in office has sought a divorce from their spouse. After the 2008 Presidential run and the affair that came up from the Georgian swamp lands, Hilary has had enough of the Billster.
Hilary:
"It's been a long march with Bill, and nearest to me I liken, that he needs to get the boot for the last time."

Her southern accent has really taken shape from years of propaganda speeches and trying to muster the southern black vote. She will be filing court documents on Friday.

President Obama heads for Middle East

President Obama will be leaving this afternoon for his annual trip to the Middle East. He will be meeting with the presidents of Iran, Saudi Arabia, Syria, and all parties from Northern, Southern, Eastern and Western Iraq. President Obama tells us that he is confident that we will be able to lift the Nuclear Sanctions from both Iran and Eastern Iraq once they display they can "play well together". Vice President Hilary Clinton was quoted as saying "President Obama needs to have a conversation with the representatives of the Middle East, and most importantly listen to the needs of the people to help come up with a plan so that all of the new nuclear powers can manage to live peacefully for the remaining duration of the joint Venezualan and Iranian Oil Embargo."

President Obama makes sense of new health care reform

President Obama and Vice President Clinton announced a new health care reform in a joint news conference with Press Secretary David Gregory.

Gregory announced:"We are excited to announce the 'America's Health Initiative'. We are pleased to be working in assistance with Mexican government on immunization shots given at the border for all illegal immigrants advancing into the country. We hope that this will prevent future health problems from the illegal immigrants and alleviate the burden on some of our government ran hospitals. As many of you may know, the time it takes in our hospitals to be seen and cared for can number in the days. We are announcing today that we will install number systems and utilize Internet enabled registering for families to be placed in a Que for health services."

After a twenty minute slide presentation giving the budget requirements for the new plan, President Obama took questions from the press.

President Obama answers a question from Matt Lauer:

"Mr. President, with the rising taxes, explain to the American people how this health care
system will enhance their lives, and give them a better inner peace about
driving the sometimes eight hours to the nearest required hospital or doctor's
office?"

"Matt, I am glad you asked this, we all love a good road trip" press corp
chuckles "but seriously, we have a mission to see that all people in America and
coming into America will have the same health care across the board. We are confident
that the American people will learn and adapt to the constraints that our new
plan may have. Just as when we came together after the disaster at the
2008 Superbowl just after I took office, we will remember those 24,000 lives
lost and develop this health care package into a streamlined machine that will
advocate a tolerance to inconvenience in our country."

The new health care reform will add twenty thousand new jobs across the
states, at a cost of 1.9 billion dollars a year for the first five years,
with an increase in government wages year over year, in ten years it will be an increase of 22.5 billion dollars to the trillion dollar budget crisis. Vice President Hilary noted:

"We realize the need for cost saving measures to drop the deficit, but we cannot go on in our country with runny noses, and coughs that last a few hours. We need to spend the money to find the cure for these ailments. This is why we are giving Proctor and Gamble a government grant of 1.7 billion dollars to do research on field mice to prevent the human cold."

More to come in our follow up article "The government crisis: Colds cause strife"

A new type of rehab

Founders of the ACLU have created a new type of rehab. The new clinics will be setting up across ten states in arenas and churches in hopes to help people plagued with racial, sexual, and gender bigotry. They will also be distributing pamphlets and marketing materials in hopes of generating a large response to the growing number of minorities being discrimated against. Two television ads will feature Al Sharpton and the director of the ACLU Anthony Romero.

Here is a clip of the television ad:
"Do you suffer every day from someone calling you a name?
Do you know of someone that calls people names? tell them about the ACLU's
free seminars coming to your area. Because no one should have to be called
a 'tree hugger'"

Al Sharpton believes this will be the next best thing to "molasses on biscuits". "We are excited to have the tunity, to be part of the first seminars, to elevate the minorities into majorities". "We all need to be majorities, so the Majorities can take the place of the minorities. Minorities are not majorities, only majorities are the majority".

All the free seminars and rehabs will be available for all people that use the words f**got, n**ger, tr** h**ger, c**k, f*minine, l**bo, and many more names.

All participants will be awarded a certificate and a wallet card they can keep with them to show proof to future employers that they have passed rehab for using any of the above words.

Troops home in time for Christmas

The last of the troops from Iraq will be home in time for Christmas this year. Since the approval for withdrawal of troops starting last year, the guys and gals of the armed forces are flying home in record numbers. The army's top general protests:
"how can we leave a country now in civil war with 10,000 people dying each day". "I hope congress is happy with de-funding the troops causing this civil war to happen from our withdrawal"

Senator Dean denounces the general:
"Even though there are scores of Iraqi civilians dying, the American people are just happy to have our boys home. We can celebrate knowing that they are safe this year. Iraq will eventually settle down, either the Sunni or the Shiites will gain control, they just need to fight it out."

Some troops are happy to be home, Lt. Doe remarks:
" I am glad just to be out of that blood bath. The last few days before our deployment the smell from the bodies was just overwhelming." "I am better serving our country by patrolling the streets of the coastal towns and preventing another suicide bomber from crossing over."

Oil Prices Outrage Americans

With the fear of colder winters suggested by G.O.R.E, oil prices have sky rocketed since the Oil Embargo Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and the Iranian government placed on all non-Islamic countries in February of this year. Many states are reporting prices of 4.59 a gallon with fears of prices peaking over 5.00 before the first major winter storm.

"We have never had prices this high, we will have to shift our thinking towards
other means of transportation for our children during the school year. It
has been recommended to install hand rails on school buses to allow more
children to occupy one school bus. This will allow us to eliminate up to
three buses each year off our routes." First Student transporation president
remarks.

U.S. Officials are working vigorously with President Chavez to relaz the financial burden in exchange for the opportunity to become part of the N.A.T.O. alliance and the U.N.

President Obama states: "We all want what is best for the world, but during
these troubling times, the United States must participate in a little give and
take"

Border Patrol ordered down

In one of the first orders carried out by President Obama, the nation's border patrol was ordered to stand down and return to their homes. In hopes of creating a more open country, President Obama and the Democratic Senate passed new legislation today making it illegal to stop anyone crossing the U.S.-Mexican border.

President Obama announces:
"We need to show to our Mexican brothers and sisters, that we are still the
land of opportunity. we can live in a open border country and still
regulate the violence and drug trafficking in a more approachable manner."

When asked what the administration would be doing to correct the drug
trafficking and violence, President Obama declared:
"We will be appointing a bi-partisan committee to determine the best way to
control these problems, and also align with the new legislation, we hope to come
up with an agreement by the middle of the year.

G.O.R.E. becomes reality

After winning the Pulitzer Prize in fall of 2007, Vice President Al Gore and top noted Democratic representatives found the The Global Outcry Response for the Environment, or G.O.R.E. for short. The twenty-two member board comprised of celebrities, congressmen and women, and members of the meteorlogical society plan to meet monthly and decide on new initiatives to expand research and awareness for the Global Warming epedemic.

Al Gore States:
"We are in a crisis in our world, and we need these men and women to come
together and decide for the American people, the best way to combat the
pollution we as humans create. It will be a triumphant time when we can
live in a symbiotic relationship again with Mother Nature."

The celebrities that are part of G.O.R.E. are Melissa Ethridge, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Cruise, and Borat:

Borat noted:
'It will be fantastic to display Mother Nature in Playboy for all of
America to see"

Politicians include Howard Dean, and Nancy Pelosi. Also, included is Senator McCain.
Al Gore states:
"It is good to have Senator McCain to be part of this program, we need a bi-partisan relationship to accomplish many things in the house and the senate floor. It is, however, a shame that his health has prevented him from attendting any of the meetings."

Tipper Gore praises her husband:
"Al and the others will meet regularly to announce major issues with
electrical usage, carbon emmisions, and other global concerns. They will
be meeting in our mansion in Tennessee monthly."
When asked why they would not use teleconferencing, Al Gore replied:
"It is always better to have the quality face time with one another so we
can read the body gestures and the mood in the room. Teleconferencing is
also very expensive. It is just easier for us all to fly in and meet
one-on-one."

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